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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25015420">I'm Tired</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/birdie7272/pseuds/birdie7272'>birdie7272</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Merlin (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Dark Merlin (Merlin), Hurt/Comfort, Kinda, Kinda?, Magic Revealed, Merlin's Magic Revealed (Merlin), cus we needed more of those, i lost ability to tag, idk - Freeform</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 06:15:45</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,122</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25015420</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/birdie7272/pseuds/birdie7272</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Merlin should have said nothing.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>200</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>I'm Tired</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>In hindsight, it was truely stupid.  Merlin always assumed he would reveal his magic saving Arthur’s life in an epic battle.  Or maybe being forced to choose between the truth and death and taking a gamble on the truth.  Or someone putting together the gaps in his life and presenting the truth as plain as day for everyone to see because he was far too stupidly lucky to have gone as long as he did with no one finding out. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Stupid luck turned plain stupid. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Merlin and Arthur sat on top of the ramparts watching the flowers flow in the wind.  The tavern’s head got married to a florist and they threw quite the party.  Yellows and reds and whites and pinks colored the air and decorated the streets.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Such a girl,” Arthur mocked Merlin. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Merlin was barely misty eyed.  He bumped Arthur with his shoulder.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Arthur slipped.  Arthur fell, eyes bulging as he looked directly at Merlin. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Merlin had just accidentally almost killed the King of Camelot by throwing him off the ramparts with a shoulder bump. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Magic was smart enough to flair up and grab Arthur before he could go and die. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Magic was not smart enough to hide the gold in Merlin's eyes or the very obvious power wafting from his fingertips. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was not an epic battle, but at least he saved Arthur’s life.  Even if he was the one to nearly kill him in the first place. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>With Arthur’s feet firmly on the ground, Merlin collapsed.  Terrified.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Arthur stared down at him with all the confusion, hurt, betrayal, and anger that Merlin had ever expected. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Merlin hung his head down.  The guilty party awaiting the axe to sever his head.  Dread, guilt, and fear swallowed him up from the inside.  His body shook with it.  There was no room for pleas or apologies.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Arthur stole the air from his lungs with a sharp inhale.  The hangman’s breath.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Black drops splashed against the colorful wind.  Hot tears prickled.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Arthur sighed.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Every emotion Merlin expected to be furiously smacked into him with one brutal question landing between edged insults left Arthur as suddenly as Merlin’s magic left him.  Instinctual and irrepressible. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thanks, Merlin,” Arthur said.  Exhausted.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Arthur walked away. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Merlin blinked away the tears that fell.  He gagged on the intake of air.  His hands smacked onto the stone.  His voice was barely audible, “What?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Arthur was nearly gone, one foot in the door to go back inside. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Was that it?  How could that possibly be it?!  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Was Arthur ignoring it?  He saw!  Merlin saw that he saw!  It was there, in his eyes.  It was obvious.  Magic left Merlin’s body as clear as day.  There was no bright sun to blame it on.  His hands were too far away to be touching any part of Arthur.  They were the only two on the rampart.  There was absolutely no chance Arthur could have mistaken it for anything other than what it was. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Merlin scrambled to his feet and nearly ran into Arthur’s back as they descended the stairs.  “Thanks?!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Arthur did not look back at him.  He looked normal.  Far too normal.  “Don’t squeal,” he dismissed.  “It makes you completely intolerable as opposed to just intolerable.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Merlin missed his step and stumbled. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Arthur was there instantly, one arm out, catching him by the shoulder and putting him back on his two feet.  “Careful.  I don’t have magic to catch you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Merlin gaped as Arthur smacked his shoulder once and spun back down the stairs. </span>
</p>
<p><span>Magic.  He said the word.  He saw.  </span>He <em>knew</em>.  What the hell was happening?!</p>
<p>
  <span>Merlin nearly stumbled again in his haste to charge down the stairs, his palms scraping the wall to keep himself from falling.  “That’s it?!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Arthur tilted his head as he continued his descent.  “Apparently.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Merlin’s hands waved helplessly at Arthur’s back.  “But you just- You said- And you’re- But- You’re not-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m not.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“But-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Arthur stopped quite suddenly.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Merlin slammed directly into his back, despite his attempt to swing his body backwards. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m tired,” Arthur said.  Then he turned around.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>All the joy of sneaking out to watch the wedding from afar dropped away.  Lines marred his skin from every angle.  He lacked the energy to frown properly.  His shoulders sagged and his head tipped down.  His gaze barely grazed Merlin’s as if the height of one stair was simply too high to climb.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Merlin’s hand raised gingerly.  As if he could brush away those wrinkles and lines because he was the one who put them there. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Arthur’s eyes flickered to the movement. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Merlin expected him to flinch away in fear or make a remark about the comfort of women folk or maybe even bat his hand away, but he did nothing.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Nothing. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Merlin left his hand floating in the inbetween. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Arthur turned around and walked away.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>This was good, was it not?  No pyre, no hanging, no beheading, no drowning.  Merlin was allowed to live, it seemed.  Nothing had changed. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Arthur did not banish him or throw him in the dungeon or force him to stop his duties.  There was no yelling or crying or questions.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Everything was normal. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Everything is not normal,” Merlin told Arthur as he served him his dinner. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No?” Arthur asked around a bite of food.  He was picking around his plate.  His appetite was gone.  It was not the only thing.  Arthur had been lackadaisical.  Drifting through the castle like a ghost of himself.  No smiles but no tears.  No emotions at all.  Not a care for a single thing.  He was simply tired.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No,” Merlin said heartily.  Because Arthur did not seem to care about anything, he took a spot next to him at the table and pulled up his chair directly next to Arthur’s plate.  “Why won’t you talk to me?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Arthur’s brow furrowed and he glanced at Merlin incredulously.  “I am talking to you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Merlin’s teeth clenched.  He had no right to be angry.  Arthur had every right to be angry and he was not angry and that was making Merlin angry!  “Arthur.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Merlin,” Arthur echoed. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Merlin sighed through his nose.  “I was born with it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Arthur did not even look at him.  “Is that an apology?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Merlin gasped.  “Why are you acting like this?!  Aren’t you angry?!  Don’t you have questions?!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Arthur snorted.  He pushed at the items on his plate with no intention of eating a single thing.  “There is no one in my life who has not betrayed me.  Why should you be any different?  You aren’t.  I have always been destined to live this way.  I accept it.”  He shrugged one shoulder.  “Is that not what the world wants from me?  I accept this.  I have no one to trust.  I am alone.  It is fine.  Does it even matter?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Merlin’s eyes burned with fresh tears.  His hand floated towards Arthur before he tore it back and gripped the table.  “I never meant to…  Oh, Arthur.  My magic-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No!” Arthur suddenly yelled. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Merlin’s heart pounded and his mouth clacked shut. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Arthur spared him a glare before returning his gaze to his food.  “Don’t say the words.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Merlin’s brow furrowed. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“If you-” Arthur sighed and continued with the same lack of emotion he had been swimming in all week.  “If you say something then I have to do something.  If I do something then we lose this.”  He gestured helplessly between the two of them, his eyes round and pleading with the slices of ham.  “I lose you.  Think of my choices.  Think of the people.  The politics behind it.  You are a peasant.  A sorcerer-” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Merlin swallowed thickly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Arthur’s eyes lifted slowly.  “If there were a warlock in my presence, you think they would care what I think?  I have forever been slowly repealing the ban.  If I move too quickly they will question my sanity.  My free will.  The warlock would be blamed and executed.  I would be dethroned.”  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Merlin’s mouth fell open.  The words barely left his lips.  “Forever repealing?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Arthur spoke on, as if he said nothing.  The emotionlessness fell from his tone.  His pleas became desperate, broken, and earnest.  “If you are praised for your magic you would no longer serve as my manservant.  You would be awarded a position higher, whether you liked it or not, or they would truly believe you are using sorcery to control me -a spell that requires close proximity.  If anyone knows that the man who has licked my boots every day since arriving here -from another kingdom no less- is what you are, you will either be sent away as an ambassador of magic -far away from me and Camelot- or you will be questioned for treason.  Or both.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Merlin felt the tears fall and his lips mouth, ‘Boot licker?’</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Arthur’s fingers formed fists around his cutlery.  “These people, these nobles, are of my father’s choosing.  Until they die, they have a place on the council whether I like it or not.  They have wise words even if they are not all wise.  Some would have you killed and some would have you banished.  There is no inbetween.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Merlin licked his lips but the words were still stuck.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Arthur dropped his gaze once again.  “The greatest gift you could have given me was to keep it hidden.  Another decade at least.  If I ever suspected-”  His mouth fell open and his eyes lifted once again, open and glossy.  “Your silence is a gift as I have always said.  This is true even more so now.  If I do not know, I do not have to do anything.”  He held the gaze a moment more, searching Merlin for something.  A single tear fell and rolled down his cheek.  “I’m tired, Merlin.  Don’t force me to do something about this.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Merlin nodded his head, too small a move to be noticeable.  He swiped a hand over his eyes and shoved the salty tears from his cheeks.  He cleared his throat and nodded sharply.  “I won’t,” he promised. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You are a terrible liar,” Arthur muttered, his voice cracking. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Merlin looked up to smile. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“A terribly good liar,” Arthur finished. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Merlin’s smile fell. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“See that that continues,” Arthur ordered. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Silence fell.  The fire crackled like thunder.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Merlin heaved in a breath and stood.  “I’m sure I have no clue what you’re talking about, my lord.  Were there a warlock in your court I’m sure he would say he and his magic were only there to serve you as long as you would have him.”  He grabbed the goblet and filled it with water, holding it under Arthur’s head.  Merlin waited until his gaze lifted.  “Until the day he died.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Arthur took the goblet but did not drink. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“As the physician's assistant,” Merlin continued, crossing his arms behind his back.  “All I can accidentally reveal is that many of the older members on the council, appointed by your father, come to Gaius for remedies for their old and aching bodies.  Lord Kay being one to frequently visit.  He is one that openly opposes you I hear?”  Merlin did not wait for a reply.  “Well, it is my folly that I ramble and say that the ingredients can be confused with other things.  Some perhaps more ailing than aiding.  Some that could take on the appearance of a spot of plague.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Arthur eyed him over the goblet and tilted his head. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“As Merlin,” Merlin said, bowing his head.  “All I can say is that I promise to aid my king in any way he may need.  As much as I can.  For I am a bumbling buffoon and I have been known to make mistakes.  Sire.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Arthur nodded once. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Merlin lifted his body up.  “For ten years or twenty more.  I will be your manservant as long as you will have me.  Whatever you ask of me.  You are not alone.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Arthur sat in silence for a long time.  The weight of it all took him over once again.  His body slumped, his eyes drooped, his head fell to the side.  “I’m tired.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Allow me to prepare your bed, sire.” Merlin did not move. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Arthur’s gaze lifted. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Merlin held that stare.  He tried to impart everything he felt, every promise he could give, every apology, and every oath.  Arthur mattered.  His trust was lost but he could earn it back.  He would do whatever it took to make sure Arthur stayed safe and on the throne.  <em>Anything. </em></span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Arthur sipped from the goblet.  “See that it’s done.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Merlin bowed low.  He left the room without preparing the bed and headed straight to Gaius’ shop.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lord Kay died several months later from a spot of plague. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Did you have a restful night, my lord?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Very.” </span>
</p>
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